The Good Gays

Hi, Community! Surprised to see me back so soon? Don’t be. This time I missed you. Isn’t that sweet? Well, it’s good to be back. I’m sure you’ve noticed that as much as I like to keep things light, I have to keep it real. It’s not something I’ll be able to do every time, considering that we’re pretty much under attack in this country, with our lives being used as a hot topic by politicians with no useful policies, but I’ll do my best. 

Our topic for today is The Good Gays. You’ve been keeping up with the blog, so now you know who has the receipts, you know who’s fact-checking, and at the end of this blogpost, you’ll know this: you’ll never be a good enough gay to the straights. So let’s get real. 

Girls, you know those girls who are “not like other girls”, and never miss an opportunity to point that out? We know whose benefit that’s for, of course: patriarchy princes AKA cisgender heterosexual men, because they have the most power in society. The thing about these girls is they’re not just stating that they’re different, they’re often implying — if not outright saying — that they are and therefore deserve to be treated better than other girls. It’s usually rooted in some phobia or ism. Other girls are vulgar, but I’m proper. Other girls are argumentative, but I’m submissive. Other girls are whores, but I’m modest. *Yawn*. 

Obaa Boni once said that the person who slutshames you today makes way for the person who assaults you tomorrow for being a “whore” because “you asked for it”. One thing leads to another, right? Growing up, we’re all told in one way or the other that we can avoid harassment by dressing or behaving a certain way. The thing about this is it makes people believe they avoided harm by being smart when the truth is they got lucky. Sometimes harmful people cause harm simply because they can and want to. Do you see where I’m going with this? Replace “girls” with “gays”, and “cishet men” with “heterosexual people”. The value is the same. I’ll show you. 

Earlier this year, I was at a queer feminist gathering where a masc woman shared that she believes queer people are attacked because they’re “showing off”. The temperature in the room went up immediately, and so did almost all the voices of the people present. She genuinely believed what she said, and while that’s understandable considering our socialisation, it’s also a harmful and untrue belief. The similarity between this belief and the belief that a woman’s clothing is the reason she was assaulted was quickly pointed out to her, and soon we all reached an understanding. 

In an overly-conservative country like Ghana, doing anything out of the ordinary is considered showing off. Is it showing off if you walk and dress the way you always do? Does that mean you’re trying to prove something? And if you are, should you be attacked? This gay man seems to think so. In an interview, Berla Mundi asks if he’s heard of gay people being attacked, and his response is “That’s their own problem. You should know who you play with. You know people hate you for being who you are…”

I have a problem with queer people speaking like it’s alright, or even understandable for people to attack us for being queer. The last thing we need right now is for our struggles to be so normalized, especially by one of us, and to the hearing of the people who want to harm us.

In an interview in 2018, a queer man explained that people have no reason to attack him, and don’t, because he does what he does indoors, and outside, he’s a normal human being just like anyone else. The belief seems to be that if you’re a well-behaved gay person, you’re allowed to live free from homophobic violence. Bare minimum and extremely false, if you ask me. I think this particular person had been living in a bubble for some time and honestly, lucky them (to some extent). They haven’t faced harassment, their friends know they're gay, and they were bold enough to share their experiences on national television. I truly love that for them. The reality is, though, that lots of people are profiled, accused of being gay and then attacked. “Looking gay” was enough to put them in harm’s way. I’m surprised this person strongly believed that homophobes think being gay is okay, but draw the line at people being openly gay. I…

Do you see how much virtue signalling goes on among the good gays? The sad thing is that it changes nothing. They’re not only lying to themselves, and shrinking themselves for the sake of people who will never really accept them, they’re also normalizing violence towards an already marginalised community. Homophobes hate gayness, and that hate is so strong that they don’t care for proof; their suspicion is enough. They’re not reasonable people you can come to an agreement with, and you shouldn’t have to negotiate for your freedom. It upsets me when we throw one another under the bus during difficult times. I know we’re all struggling, so tempers are high, but the only person to blame when a queer person is attacked is the person who attacked them.

It’s especially in these times that we need to remember who the problem is. The problem is homophobia, and not the people suffering from it. If we’re being honest, the good gays are suffering too, and that’s why they have to be so cautious. We’re all suffering; just some more than others. To me, it makes more sense to call them in rather than out.

If you haven’t been a victim of homophobic violence, you’re lucky, not smart or special. It’s not about what you do or do not do — especially now considering the anti-LGBTQ+ bill criminalises identity and not just activity. You’ll never be a good gay to people who hate gayness, and being one won’t keep you safe. The linked videos are from 2017 and 2018 but this specific genre of LGBTQ+ victim blaming persists. We have a lot to unlearn, but it’s less daunting when we do it together. 

I’d love it if instead of making excuses for people who hate us, we’d empathise with and support our queer siblings when they need it. Hopefully this post helps. Thanks so much for reading! Expect to hear from me again… soon :)